A Mother's Love

Warning: This blog entry has been on my mind and heart for the past few months.  It is honest and open and likely a bit jumbled, as I am not entirely sure how to even express the thoughts and emotions that I feel.  This is, however, my attempt:

I recently had a conversation with a woman from my hometown church about adoption. She had adopted both of her kids twenty-some years ago, and we were talking about being a mom. I explained that Eric and I had thought about adoption often during the three years that we tried to get pregnant. We were not sure if we would ever conceive a child, and were seriously considering the option.  I love the idea of giving a child a loving home to grow up in, but I will admit that I have wondered if the bond between myself and the child would be different than that of a child that I carried in my womb for 9 months.  I feared that I may not love an adopted child like I would love a child of my own flesh and blood.  When I expressed this to my friend, she simply replied, "I don't know since I never had another option (but adoption)...but I think love is commitment."

Since hearing her say this, those three words have hung on my heart: Love is Commitment.  So often, people believe that love is a feeling...something that you can fall in and out of, but that isn't true.  God said it Himself in the bible, "Love never fails."  If love is a feeling, that ebbs and flows like the sea, it would fail.  In that case, the tide of love would sometimes raise to immeasurable heights, but then drought would come and the relationship would suffer.  Instead, if love is commitment, it means that no matter what, you will stick by that person to hold them, care for them, guide them, laugh with them... NO MATTER WHAT.  It makes me sad that so many base their love on a moment and its circumstances, and as I type this I am grateful for two of my greatest loves in life: Asher and Eric, and somewhat ashamed of my love/commitment (or lack of) to Christ.

My love for Asher is fierce.  When I held Asher in my arms for the first time and looked into his big blue eyes, it was love at first sight.  I was committed to caring for him...committed to protecting him...committed to praying for him...committed to loving on him.  The love that I felt for him did not stop there though.  It has grown every moment since then, to a love that is entirely unexplainable.  There truly is no love like the love of a parent.  There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him (with his best interests in mind).  These days, my little man is completely on the move; playing, crawling, pulling himself up, searching for things to get into, etc.  Thus, the days of snuggling my baby boy in my arms are (mostly) over, as he immediately tries to get down and get back on the move.  However, every evening before bed, I get to hold him in the dark of his nursery as he relaxes for the evening and drifts off to dreamland.  Sometimes, as I sit there holding him, I can actually feel my heart pounding in my chest as I look down at my peaceful little guy.  I think about how this little person as changed the way I see life, and how he has also helped me to gain a better understanding of the love that our Father in Heaven has for us.  It is truly unbelievable and incomprehensible.  I think as though I am a lioness ready to pounce on anything that comes to harm my little boy.  I think about the memories we have made already, and the memories that are yet to come.  I pray for God's protection over him and for His guidance as Eric and I parent him.  I pray that he will grow up to know beyond any doubt that his parents loved him immensely.

My love for Asher is just.  I was reading in Hebrews 12 the other day, when I read the following passage:

5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?  “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.  6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”  7 It is for discipline that you have to endure.  God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.  Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?  10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.  11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:5-11, ESV)

This got me thinking about Asher and how, like everyone, he was born a sinner.  I remember those first few times that I held him how I would look at him and think that someday he was going to do something wrong.  Someday he might tease someone, trip someone, cheat on a test, steal something...  I don't know what it is that he will do, but someday the sin in his life would be evident.  It is hard to imagine that when you hold a (seemingly) innocent little baby, but it is the truth.  I couldn't help but wonder about the parents of children that have done horrific things, and wonder what I need to do to make sure that Asher is not one of those children.  How do I raise a boy (although imperfect) to be a boy, and later a man, that will love others according to God's definition of the word?

4 Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8 Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13: 4-8a)

Having only been a mom for 9 months now, I can honestly say that I still don't really know how to answer that question, other than Pray, Pray, Pray.  I pray that God will use me to guide him to be the person that God has created him to be, and I pray that God will guide his own heart as well.  I pray that Asher will come to know and love God early in life and that he will follow him all of his days and live according to God's Word.  I also pray that like God, I will have the wisdom to discipline Asher when it is needed.  Too often lately, it seems that parents are afraid to discipline their children.  They want their kids to be their friends.  They want their kids to like them.  I cannot say that I don't want those things as well, but in the end I want Asher to be a man that lives according to God's word...even if that means that he doesn't like me some times.  I write this, because I would guess that 15 years from now I'm going to need to read this again to remind myself that it is for the best.  Asher may tell me he hates me some day, and my heart hurts just thinking about it, but like my Father in Heaven and His word in Hebrews, I want to need to discipline Asher when necessary for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in God's righteousness.  Because I am a new mom, I am just beginning to ponder this and I am sure my thoughts on the topic will expand in the coming years, but I want to teach Asher what is right and what is wrong.  I want him to learn to be respectful, unselfish, fair, kind, gentle, forgiving, truthful, compassionate, patient, giving, encouraging.  I want him to find joy in life and others.  I want him to learn to apologize and ask forgiveness himself when needed.  I want him to be a friend to others whose love knows no boundaries.  I want him to be committed to these relationships.  For this reason, as I stated above, my love for Asher is just.

My love for Asher is fun.  Being a mom is more than just taking care of a child, but also having fun.  I don't want to be Asher's nurse, or childcare provider, I want to be his Mommy.  I want to be the one that not only cleans up his cuts and bruises, changes his diaper and teaches him right from wrong, but I also want to be the one that he has fun with.  I want to be the (well maybe not THE, since his Daddy is TOUGH competition) person that he laughs with, the person that is goofy enough to make him roll his eyes someday, the person that thinks of exciting ways to spend the day that he will always remember.

My love for Asher is honest.  As I ponder all that I've written above, it dawns on me that my love for Asher is honest and pure and as such needs to be shown and acted out that way for him to see and experience.  I want him to know my love and to trust it always.  I want him to know that he can always come to me no matter the problem or situation.  I want him to know that my love for him will never fail.  I also want him to know that my love for him is possible because of God's love for us.  Thus, I want him to know God's love and I want him to see and know of my and Eric's love for God.  This is a tough order, since Asher lives with us and sees not only the person that I am at church, or the person that my friends see, but also the person that I am at home: the mom that I am to him and Emma, the Christian that I am, the wife that I am.  In all of the roles that I play in my life, I want Asher to see the same loving, kind person so that he knows and trusts who I am and strives to live a life like better than mine.  I want him to be a faithful friend, brother, and someday husband.  I want him to know what it is to "love your wife", and for that I am thankful that I am not in this alone.  I am thankful that I also have an amazing husband and partner in the role of parenthood who loves Asher like I do and is a great role model for him to learn how to treat his future wife with love, selflessness and respect.

With that, I think I will (rather abruptly) rap up this blog entry, but I am sure that there will be more as the journey of motherhood continues.  In closing (as it is Good Friday), I will say again that my love for Asher is only possible because of the love that God has for us.  He loved us so much that He gave is one and only Son to die for us so that we may live in eternity with Him (John 3:16).  Today I remember His death on the cross, and look forward to celebrating his resurrection on Sunday as he conquered sin and death.  Thank you Jesus for the life you lived and the life that you have given to me.

PS: Since pretty much all of my blog entries have a bunch of pictures, here are some old ones that I have never shared before.  These were taken the day before Asher was born (June 29, 2012) as Eric and I anxiously awaited the arrival of our bundle of joy! We tried to copy some photos from pinterest that I had liked, so these are our versions...(If you're grossed out by preggo belly pictures, I'd advise you to stop here and ignore the photos)  :)

Asher before and after entering the world.

We tried to put the name on my belly, but every time we did, Asher (Bono at the time) would move and all of the blocks would fall down.  :)

These are the shoes that I bought years ago.  I had fallen in love with them because they were mini versions of the shoes Eric used to wear (Van's).  They are still too big for Asher, but I will definitely get pictures of him in them once he's big enough.

For those of you that didn't know or don't remember, we called Asher "Bono" while he was in the womb.  We didn't know if we were having a girl or boy and didn't want to call him/her "Baby" for 9 months.  While I was pregnant, Eric made my lunch every day and would write notes to go with.  Many of them said, "I love U2!" (meaning the Baby & I).  Our little joke was that he was referring to the band, and thus the name "Bono" was born! :)