Here goes:
Eric & I met in the fall of 2000, started dating in the winter of 2001, and got married in the summer of the 2002. At the time, we both knew that we would have a family some day, but it was a long ways away. I can remember having people ask me at our wedding reception when we would start having kids and I jokingly told them that we were on the "10 year plan," not knowing how true that would become. At the age of 22, my mind was on working, being married and finishing up my education. There was no way that I could think about children until we had both finished our Masters Degrees.
In May of 2005, we graduated with our Masters of Architecture, but kids were still a distant thought. A part of me feared that I would never have a desire for them, and we would grow up alone. We were still very focused on our careers and enjoying life without the burden of school. That fall, we decided that we wanted to move closer to my family so we had a choice of which direction to be half way between my family & his. Option 1: Move to Northern Lower Michigan and be about 5 hours from each family. Unfortunately this option left us in the Gaylord area with few job opportunities. Option 2: Move to somewhere in Wisconsin. Our ideal choice was Southeastern Wisconsin, which would put us half way between our families AND give us more job opportunities. We interviewed throughout the East side of the state, and then in April of 2006, we moved to Kenosha as I took a job in Racine, WI. This was a scary time as we headed to unknown territory, but it did make us 6 hours from Eric's parents and 4 from mine. As our life settled in Kenosha, kids started to creep into my mind, but they still were not on top of my list. At one point, I even prayed that if God wanted me to have kids, He would give me a desire for them.
In June of 2007, we bought our home, and now life really was "settled". I think that this feeling of permanency and adulthood brought me to God's answered prayer of giving me a desire to start a family. That fall, I can recall a conversation with Eric one evening as we sat on our futon (although he has no memory of this conversation). We started talking about kids and even though we had already been married 5+ years, that was the first time it really came up in any serious manner. We agreed that we were becoming ready, and that the following Fall, we would start to try to have a family. As the summer of 2008 rolled around, Eric still wasn't quite ready, so we waited a few more months to begin the family process. Then in November of 2008, it all began...a LONG, painful and emotional journey.
An excerpt from my prayer journal: 11.18.08, "Lord, I also pray for our baby situation. I don't know how Eric feels, but i know I'm finally ready. I never thought I'd get to this point."
An excerpt from my prayer journal: 11.18.08, "Lord, I also pray for our baby situation. I don't know how Eric feels, but i know I'm finally ready. I never thought I'd get to this point."
I think that we believed getting pregnant would be easy and that in 2009 we would have our little one, but that was far from the case. It was NOT easy by any means! In May of 2009, we thought that maybe the time had come, but it ended up being nothing...the same weekend Aaron & Erika announced that they were expecting Micah. I will admit that a small part of me was happy for them, but in all truth the majority of me was very jealous. Once I warmed up to the idea though I was very excited for my nephew to come and thought that our turn was just around the corner.
02.15.09, "Please help me to be patient & help us to wait until your perfect timing." 05.31.09, "Lord, please help me to be patient as we wait to conceive. I really want a baby, but I want to give You control of the situation." 06.28.09, "Lord, please forgive me my jealousy of Erika & their pregnancy. I am truly happy for them, but also desire a baby for my family. Please help me to be patient in Your timing and to trust in You no matter my feelings." 08.26.09, "Lord I can't lie-I'm bummed again. I'm trying to be patient, but every month I get hope and every month I get bummed. Please help me to wait on You and Your timing. Until then, please help me not to be jealous of my pregnant friends." 11.22.09, "Please help me. Lord, I prayed for many years that You would change my heart. Now you have, but I fear that kids will not be part of Your plan. Please help me to trust in You and be patient!"
Well, Micah's birthdate (12.31.09) came and went and I was still not pregnant. Then, the following summer and fall, began a baby boom. Several of my friends and relatives announced they were expecting. I believe between the months of July and September there were four or five announcements made, and every one I struggled with. I was happy for them all, but could not understand why God was not allowing us the same blessing.
+Micah's+Arrival-S.jpg)
01.11.10, "Lord, thank you for a healthy nephew. Micah is perfect!" 02.07.10, "Lord I am anxious & confused. I never thought making a baby would be so hard, but finding out every month that we're not pregnant hurts so much. I want us to be a family. I want Eric to be the amazing dad You created him to be. Lord, I'd really like us to be able to have our own. Please help me to conceive and carry the baby." 03.24.10, "Help me to be excited for my friends that have had children." 04.09.10, "Lord, if it is Your will, please help us to get pregnant soon. If it is not Your will, please take the aching desire from me." 05.07.10, "Please help me not to focus on my own ambitions and desires, but Your will alone." 07.15.10, "Lord, I confess my frustrations and discontentment to You. You have blessed me so much and still I complain. Please forgive me and help me to be happy and thankful for what I have.
In the beginning of October, I can recall a single night that I just lost it. I remember spending an entire evening sobbing on the couch...angry with God and frustrated with the entire situation. I did not understand why God gave me the desire that I had not previously had, if He was not going to honor that desire with a baby. The very next day, we headed to Michigan for Grandma Smiley's 80th birthday, and although I was in no mood, Erika & Aaron convinced us to stop at an Oasis by them to pick up a card that they had for Grandma. When we arrived in the parking lot and they brought Micah out of the car, I immediately choked up as I read his shirt (I'm a Big Brother). They had no idea what I had been going through, and I know that they did not mean to hurt me, but I felt as though I had just been stabbed. It was everything in me to try and keep it together until we were safely back in our car away from them. At that point, jealousy was really taking a hold on me. I know it is a sin, but I just couldn't understand why this was happening. Why were so many others allowed to be happy when I was miserable?
10.01.10, "Lord, today I am not sure what to write. You know my heart and mind, but putting it on paper is difficult. I am so confused, frustrated and angry. You know my heart and desire for a baby, but I don't understand why You will not allow us to get pregnant. I know that I deserve nothing good, but I pray that You will grant us a child of our own flesh & blood. Please give me the opportunity to be pregnant & share that with my family. Lord, I know that I have no right to be angry with You, but I hurt so bad and I can't help it. You owe me no answers, but I can't help but ask why. Why is everyone else getting pregnant, and not us? Why are you making us wait? Lord I love You and I know that Your plan is best, but waiting is SO hard and what if the answer is no? I will still love You, and will still seek You, but I believe that it will truly break my heart." 10.06.10, "Lord, You & I both know that lately I've been trying to avoid You-which is pointless since You are everywhere and it's impossible. Nonetheless, I'm sorry. I am just not sure what to say these days. You are God. I know that, and I also know that Your plan is perfect and I want to follow it. However, I can't help but feel angry, frustrated & hurt that we have not been able to get pregnant yet. We both know that I really want a baby, but only You know why it hasn't happened yet. Finding out on Friday that Aaron & Erika are expecting #2 was more than I could handle. I know it is Your plan, but I can't help but feel that it is not fair. When will it be our turn? Lord, You've directed me to some verses (Mark 11:22-24) telling me to believe and expect. I really am not sure how to do that, but I know You've shown them to me for a reason, so I will do my best. Lord, I believe that You will get me pregnant. I expect that You'll answer my prayer. I'm not sure when, but please help me to be patient until then." 01.14.11, "I pray that You will keep us from having to go to a fertility clinic, as we have no extra money to afford it."
Over the next few months, I struggled with my emotions of frustration, anger and jealousy even more and I feared that because of it, I would not be as excited about the newest member of the family as I was able to be about Micah. Then, in April of 2011 I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant! I couldn't believe it. We hadn't even tried that month, and yet 3 pregnancy tests later, the answer was still the same. We were overjoyed and beyond thankful.
03.24.11, "Lord, thank You for helping me through the past few weeks. I pray that despite our lack of trying that you will help us to get pregnant this month." 04.15.11, "Lord, if my pregnancy test is true, then You are forming a new life in me. I couldn't be more excited or scared. Lord, I pray that You will protect the baby and keep us both safe." 04.16.11, "Thank You for hearing my prayers. Lord, I am so happy that I am moved to tears. We have wanted this for so long."
Unfortunately, that elation would not last long. We had five whole days of excitement and wonderment about the future, and then everything changed...I miscarried. As I look back on that time, which was one year ago right now I think it was the worst time in my entire life to date. I felt like God had turned His back on me. I felt completely broken. For those that have not miscarried knowing that you're pregnant for 5 days and then losing the baby may not seem like a big deal, but it was. Huge. After waiting 2.5 years to get pregnant, only to have that child snatched from me, it was heart breaking. I couldn't understand why God would allow me to get pregnant, if He would not allow for me to keep the baby. I felt like God was purposefully trying to hurt me, even though I know that wasn't the case.
04.22.11, "I don't understand why this is happening, but I know that my understanding is unimportant. Please help me to wait on You. I trust You to work this all out for my good as Your word promises." 04.23.11, "After everything I've gone through in the past 3 days, it seems like there is no hope, but I know that there is always hope in You. Lord, no matter what happens, I pray that You will bring glory to yourself and peace to Eric & I." II Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 04.27.11, "Lord, I really don't even know what to say. My heart is broken and as You already know I am struggling with the desire to be angry with You. I know that you must have a plan, but at the same time I feel like you've just played a very cruel joke on us. You know how badly I want a child, how could You give me that hope & excitement and then take it away?" 04.29.11, "For one week I knew I was pregnant and I felt so much joy and now that has been stripped away. It just sucks! Lord, I miss our child that I will never meet. My heart aches and although I know miscarriages are common, I feel like no one else understands. I also can't help feeling that what You've allowed to happen to us is mean. I am sorry for saying that, and I know You're a loving God, but I just can't see any other reason for it all. I just wish I had never gotten pregnant so that I don't have to wish I still was. I feel defeated Lord. I just don't know how to deal with it all and I have a hard time trusting You because it never seems to work. Please open my eyes, and help me to see the bigger picture. Help me to understand. I want to trust You, but I don't know how." Phillipians 3:13, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."
From that point, life stood still for a while. I was in a daze and really didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't understand why God allowed this to happen, and all I could do was try to force myself to get through one day at a time, until I could get back home to cry. Again, I feared that with Caleb's up-coming birth I would not be able to handle it, but as time moved on, I slowly healed (with God's help and the words of these songs: Strong Enough by Matthew West & Blessings by Laura Story) and thankfully by the time Caleb was born I was able to look on him with nothing but love. Granted, it was still difficult holding him in my arms as I reflected on the baby that I could have had.
+Caleb's+Arrival.jpg)
05.24.11, "Lord, I also ask that you be with Aaron and Erika as they look forward to #2. Help me to share in their joy, despite my own sadness." 06.02.11, "Lord thank You for giving Erika & Aaron a safe & healthy delivery. Thank You also for a healthy baby."
The summer that followed this ordeal ended up helping me to keep my mind off the miscarriage some, as I ended up dealing with another ordeal...trying to figure out why I was having some pain in my abdomen. I spent many dollars of our money and many hours of my time trying to get this figured out, but no one could give me answers. Tests would come back with questions, but then when I retested, things would be fine. It was frustrating, but a distraction that I was thankful for. Then, in October I went to a new OBGYN who took the time to listen to me about the miscarriage and the abdomen pain and was willing to help me with a solution. She figured out quickly that I have a "type A" personality and prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft to help with the stress/anxiety. Then she also ordered some tests for me to get done, which normally would have been fertility tests (which would not have been covered by insurance), but due to my abdomen pain they would be covered as "diagnostic." I was excited by this change of events, but had a strange inclination that they would not be necessary.
Prior to this appointment, I think Eric & I truly realized that we could not have the family we wanted in our own strengths and that there really was nothing that we could do but pray. It may seem silly either for those who don't believe in the power of prayer, or that it took us that long to reach this conclusion. We knew that we could do nothing without God's help and yet, a part of us didn't understand that or didn't take it seriously. We prayed for God to give us a baby, and we prayed for patience...but somehow I think we were asking for the wrong thing. By the time October 2011 rolled around, we had been broken down enough that we lost all hope in ourselves and hope in God was all that was left. We were toying with the idea of adoption, but scared of the financial burden of it, and also wanting to create a baby of our own gene make-up (scary, I know). Thus, that month we tried to have a baby, but rather than praying that God would grant us our request, we simply prayed that God would bless our time together, no matter the outcome. That request for blessing was answered in many ways that brought us healing and brought us to this point...9.5 weeks from holding our child!!! I never made it to the tests that were ordered, because I found out that I was pregnant and they were no longer necessary. On top of that, my stomach pain was gone. I have not had it for 7 months now, and hope it is gone for good.
10.26.11, "Lord, thank You!! Thank You for giving us another pregnancy. I pray that You will help me to carry it to full term and that You will keep me & the baby healthy. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!" 12.04.11, "Lord, thank You so much for the blessing of Bono in our lives. Thank You for the chance to be parents and an appointment filled with nothing but good news!"
+Work+of+Art.jpg)
As I look back on this time in our lives, on the anniversary of the week that broke us, I cannot believe how blessed we are. I still do not know why God allowed us to go through the miscarriage, or why He made us wait almost 3 years to get pregnant with the baby that we now await, but I do know that He has a plan (a perfect plan). Although I may never know exactly what it is, I do believe that God has a big plan for Bono (Baby M), and had I not miscarried the last baby, Bono would not have been a possibility. That does not mean that I am happy it happened, or that I understand it, but it does make me excited to see what God will do in and through the beautiful child that I carry within.
04.08.12, "Thank You also for the baby growing & wiggling within me! As I reflect on the past year, and last Easter, I am grateful for how You've stuck by me-despite my doubts, fears, angers, pain, mistrust...You are constant in my life. Thank You...Please prepare us to raise this child as You direct and guide us. Remind us that he/she is not entirely our own, but Yours as well (1st and foremost). Help us to be good parents and to raise Bono up according to Your word! I love you so much and thank You for the lessons you've taught us, the blessings you give and the love You share. Lord, I will never know or understand Your ways, but I do know that You and Your plan are perfect and so I ask that you continually help me to grow and trust in You and You alone."
As you read this, you may have questioned why I was willing to put something so personal out for others to read. The answer is two fold: 1. I really felt that it was something that God wanted me to do, so that others who have struggled with similar issues would know that they are not alone. They are not alone in the fact that there are others out there struggling with similar situations, and they are not alone in the fact that God is always there for us and love us. 2. I really felt this was something that I needed to do for myself. As you can see/read, the past few years have been some of the most trying in my life, and the past year has been one of both pain and healing. Writing this allowed me to consider my emotions and also how God has been with me through it all.
02.15.09, "Please help me to be patient & help us to wait until your perfect timing." 05.31.09, "Lord, please help me to be patient as we wait to conceive. I really want a baby, but I want to give You control of the situation." 06.28.09, "Lord, please forgive me my jealousy of Erika & their pregnancy. I am truly happy for them, but also desire a baby for my family. Please help me to be patient in Your timing and to trust in You no matter my feelings." 08.26.09, "Lord I can't lie-I'm bummed again. I'm trying to be patient, but every month I get hope and every month I get bummed. Please help me to wait on You and Your timing. Until then, please help me not to be jealous of my pregnant friends." 11.22.09, "Please help me. Lord, I prayed for many years that You would change my heart. Now you have, but I fear that kids will not be part of Your plan. Please help me to trust in You and be patient!"
Well, Micah's birthdate (12.31.09) came and went and I was still not pregnant. Then, the following summer and fall, began a baby boom. Several of my friends and relatives announced they were expecting. I believe between the months of July and September there were four or five announcements made, and every one I struggled with. I was happy for them all, but could not understand why God was not allowing us the same blessing.
+Micah's+Arrival-S.jpg)
01.11.10, "Lord, thank you for a healthy nephew. Micah is perfect!" 02.07.10, "Lord I am anxious & confused. I never thought making a baby would be so hard, but finding out every month that we're not pregnant hurts so much. I want us to be a family. I want Eric to be the amazing dad You created him to be. Lord, I'd really like us to be able to have our own. Please help me to conceive and carry the baby." 03.24.10, "Help me to be excited for my friends that have had children." 04.09.10, "Lord, if it is Your will, please help us to get pregnant soon. If it is not Your will, please take the aching desire from me." 05.07.10, "Please help me not to focus on my own ambitions and desires, but Your will alone." 07.15.10, "Lord, I confess my frustrations and discontentment to You. You have blessed me so much and still I complain. Please forgive me and help me to be happy and thankful for what I have.
In the beginning of October, I can recall a single night that I just lost it. I remember spending an entire evening sobbing on the couch...angry with God and frustrated with the entire situation. I did not understand why God gave me the desire that I had not previously had, if He was not going to honor that desire with a baby. The very next day, we headed to Michigan for Grandma Smiley's 80th birthday, and although I was in no mood, Erika & Aaron convinced us to stop at an Oasis by them to pick up a card that they had for Grandma. When we arrived in the parking lot and they brought Micah out of the car, I immediately choked up as I read his shirt (I'm a Big Brother). They had no idea what I had been going through, and I know that they did not mean to hurt me, but I felt as though I had just been stabbed. It was everything in me to try and keep it together until we were safely back in our car away from them. At that point, jealousy was really taking a hold on me. I know it is a sin, but I just couldn't understand why this was happening. Why were so many others allowed to be happy when I was miserable?
10.01.10, "Lord, today I am not sure what to write. You know my heart and mind, but putting it on paper is difficult. I am so confused, frustrated and angry. You know my heart and desire for a baby, but I don't understand why You will not allow us to get pregnant. I know that I deserve nothing good, but I pray that You will grant us a child of our own flesh & blood. Please give me the opportunity to be pregnant & share that with my family. Lord, I know that I have no right to be angry with You, but I hurt so bad and I can't help it. You owe me no answers, but I can't help but ask why. Why is everyone else getting pregnant, and not us? Why are you making us wait? Lord I love You and I know that Your plan is best, but waiting is SO hard and what if the answer is no? I will still love You, and will still seek You, but I believe that it will truly break my heart." 10.06.10, "Lord, You & I both know that lately I've been trying to avoid You-which is pointless since You are everywhere and it's impossible. Nonetheless, I'm sorry. I am just not sure what to say these days. You are God. I know that, and I also know that Your plan is perfect and I want to follow it. However, I can't help but feel angry, frustrated & hurt that we have not been able to get pregnant yet. We both know that I really want a baby, but only You know why it hasn't happened yet. Finding out on Friday that Aaron & Erika are expecting #2 was more than I could handle. I know it is Your plan, but I can't help but feel that it is not fair. When will it be our turn? Lord, You've directed me to some verses (Mark 11:22-24) telling me to believe and expect. I really am not sure how to do that, but I know You've shown them to me for a reason, so I will do my best. Lord, I believe that You will get me pregnant. I expect that You'll answer my prayer. I'm not sure when, but please help me to be patient until then." 01.14.11, "I pray that You will keep us from having to go to a fertility clinic, as we have no extra money to afford it."
Over the next few months, I struggled with my emotions of frustration, anger and jealousy even more and I feared that because of it, I would not be as excited about the newest member of the family as I was able to be about Micah. Then, in April of 2011 I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant! I couldn't believe it. We hadn't even tried that month, and yet 3 pregnancy tests later, the answer was still the same. We were overjoyed and beyond thankful.
03.24.11, "Lord, thank You for helping me through the past few weeks. I pray that despite our lack of trying that you will help us to get pregnant this month." 04.15.11, "Lord, if my pregnancy test is true, then You are forming a new life in me. I couldn't be more excited or scared. Lord, I pray that You will protect the baby and keep us both safe." 04.16.11, "Thank You for hearing my prayers. Lord, I am so happy that I am moved to tears. We have wanted this for so long."
Unfortunately, that elation would not last long. We had five whole days of excitement and wonderment about the future, and then everything changed...I miscarried. As I look back on that time, which was one year ago right now I think it was the worst time in my entire life to date. I felt like God had turned His back on me. I felt completely broken. For those that have not miscarried knowing that you're pregnant for 5 days and then losing the baby may not seem like a big deal, but it was. Huge. After waiting 2.5 years to get pregnant, only to have that child snatched from me, it was heart breaking. I couldn't understand why God would allow me to get pregnant, if He would not allow for me to keep the baby. I felt like God was purposefully trying to hurt me, even though I know that wasn't the case.
04.22.11, "I don't understand why this is happening, but I know that my understanding is unimportant. Please help me to wait on You. I trust You to work this all out for my good as Your word promises." 04.23.11, "After everything I've gone through in the past 3 days, it seems like there is no hope, but I know that there is always hope in You. Lord, no matter what happens, I pray that You will bring glory to yourself and peace to Eric & I." II Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 04.27.11, "Lord, I really don't even know what to say. My heart is broken and as You already know I am struggling with the desire to be angry with You. I know that you must have a plan, but at the same time I feel like you've just played a very cruel joke on us. You know how badly I want a child, how could You give me that hope & excitement and then take it away?" 04.29.11, "For one week I knew I was pregnant and I felt so much joy and now that has been stripped away. It just sucks! Lord, I miss our child that I will never meet. My heart aches and although I know miscarriages are common, I feel like no one else understands. I also can't help feeling that what You've allowed to happen to us is mean. I am sorry for saying that, and I know You're a loving God, but I just can't see any other reason for it all. I just wish I had never gotten pregnant so that I don't have to wish I still was. I feel defeated Lord. I just don't know how to deal with it all and I have a hard time trusting You because it never seems to work. Please open my eyes, and help me to see the bigger picture. Help me to understand. I want to trust You, but I don't know how." Phillipians 3:13, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."
From that point, life stood still for a while. I was in a daze and really didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't understand why God allowed this to happen, and all I could do was try to force myself to get through one day at a time, until I could get back home to cry. Again, I feared that with Caleb's up-coming birth I would not be able to handle it, but as time moved on, I slowly healed (with God's help and the words of these songs: Strong Enough by Matthew West & Blessings by Laura Story) and thankfully by the time Caleb was born I was able to look on him with nothing but love. Granted, it was still difficult holding him in my arms as I reflected on the baby that I could have had.
+Caleb's+Arrival.jpg)
05.24.11, "Lord, I also ask that you be with Aaron and Erika as they look forward to #2. Help me to share in their joy, despite my own sadness." 06.02.11, "Lord thank You for giving Erika & Aaron a safe & healthy delivery. Thank You also for a healthy baby."
The summer that followed this ordeal ended up helping me to keep my mind off the miscarriage some, as I ended up dealing with another ordeal...trying to figure out why I was having some pain in my abdomen. I spent many dollars of our money and many hours of my time trying to get this figured out, but no one could give me answers. Tests would come back with questions, but then when I retested, things would be fine. It was frustrating, but a distraction that I was thankful for. Then, in October I went to a new OBGYN who took the time to listen to me about the miscarriage and the abdomen pain and was willing to help me with a solution. She figured out quickly that I have a "type A" personality and prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft to help with the stress/anxiety. Then she also ordered some tests for me to get done, which normally would have been fertility tests (which would not have been covered by insurance), but due to my abdomen pain they would be covered as "diagnostic." I was excited by this change of events, but had a strange inclination that they would not be necessary.
Prior to this appointment, I think Eric & I truly realized that we could not have the family we wanted in our own strengths and that there really was nothing that we could do but pray. It may seem silly either for those who don't believe in the power of prayer, or that it took us that long to reach this conclusion. We knew that we could do nothing without God's help and yet, a part of us didn't understand that or didn't take it seriously. We prayed for God to give us a baby, and we prayed for patience...but somehow I think we were asking for the wrong thing. By the time October 2011 rolled around, we had been broken down enough that we lost all hope in ourselves and hope in God was all that was left. We were toying with the idea of adoption, but scared of the financial burden of it, and also wanting to create a baby of our own gene make-up (scary, I know). Thus, that month we tried to have a baby, but rather than praying that God would grant us our request, we simply prayed that God would bless our time together, no matter the outcome. That request for blessing was answered in many ways that brought us healing and brought us to this point...9.5 weeks from holding our child!!! I never made it to the tests that were ordered, because I found out that I was pregnant and they were no longer necessary. On top of that, my stomach pain was gone. I have not had it for 7 months now, and hope it is gone for good.
10.26.11, "Lord, thank You!! Thank You for giving us another pregnancy. I pray that You will help me to carry it to full term and that You will keep me & the baby healthy. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!" 12.04.11, "Lord, thank You so much for the blessing of Bono in our lives. Thank You for the chance to be parents and an appointment filled with nothing but good news!"
+Work+of+Art.jpg)
As I look back on this time in our lives, on the anniversary of the week that broke us, I cannot believe how blessed we are. I still do not know why God allowed us to go through the miscarriage, or why He made us wait almost 3 years to get pregnant with the baby that we now await, but I do know that He has a plan (a perfect plan). Although I may never know exactly what it is, I do believe that God has a big plan for Bono (Baby M), and had I not miscarried the last baby, Bono would not have been a possibility. That does not mean that I am happy it happened, or that I understand it, but it does make me excited to see what God will do in and through the beautiful child that I carry within.
04.08.12, "Thank You also for the baby growing & wiggling within me! As I reflect on the past year, and last Easter, I am grateful for how You've stuck by me-despite my doubts, fears, angers, pain, mistrust...You are constant in my life. Thank You...Please prepare us to raise this child as You direct and guide us. Remind us that he/she is not entirely our own, but Yours as well (1st and foremost). Help us to be good parents and to raise Bono up according to Your word! I love you so much and thank You for the lessons you've taught us, the blessings you give and the love You share. Lord, I will never know or understand Your ways, but I do know that You and Your plan are perfect and so I ask that you continually help me to grow and trust in You and You alone."
As you read this, you may have questioned why I was willing to put something so personal out for others to read. The answer is two fold: 1. I really felt that it was something that God wanted me to do, so that others who have struggled with similar issues would know that they are not alone. They are not alone in the fact that there are others out there struggling with similar situations, and they are not alone in the fact that God is always there for us and love us. 2. I really felt this was something that I needed to do for myself. As you can see/read, the past few years have been some of the most trying in my life, and the past year has been one of both pain and healing. Writing this allowed me to consider my emotions and also how God has been with me through it all.
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| On April 15, 2011, I found out that I was pregnant, and was shocked. This month it was completely unexpected, but after three separate tests, I was convinced it was true. We were so excited, and I spent the weekend dreaming of finally being a mommy. On Monday (April 18th), I gave Eric the gift that I’ve had stored away for 7 years...a pair of Vans shoes that I had to buy when I saw them because they were a mini-version of my love. I was so excited to give them to him, as I had dreamed of the moment for years. Unfortunately, 2 days after this blissful moment, I began to miscarry and on April 26th, my miscarriage was confirmed. We were devastated and will never know why God allowed that to happen to us. At most we can just say it wasn’t the right time...but I still look forward to the day that I can meet our first baby in heaven! |
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